


and i never saw you coming (and i'll never be the same)

by iPhone



Series: begin again [2]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, Mutual Pining, Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 20:01:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17029086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iPhone/pseuds/iPhone
Summary: ...except, Chloe did see Beca coming. For years. When presented with the opportunity, finally, it's a matter of choosing to let go or hold on.





	and i never saw you coming (and i'll never be the same)

**Author's Note:**

> Continuation to _[begin again](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16281659)_. Title is from Taylor Swift's "State of Grace", also from her wonderful album, _Red_. 
> 
> As always, find me on [Tumblr](https://isthemusictoblame.tumblr.com/).

The first time the thought creeps into her mind, it’s about an entire eight months into living with Chloe and Chloe is dressing up to go out on a date.  
  
The thought of Chloe going on a date makes Beca’s palms sweat, but she can’t help but admire how beautiful Chloe looks as she carefully examines her reflection in the mirror as best as she can.  
  
_Date me,_ she thinks weakly. “You look nice,” is what she says aloud, quickly enough so she doesn’t allow herself to linger.  
  
She's not completely certain where the thought comes from, but by then, it’s on her mind and it quickly wedges itself in.  
  
By then, she’s too far gone.  
  
Or maybe she just can't go back to ignoring it, because if she's being completely honest with herself, she has to admit that this isn't the first time that she has kind of reflected on her entire relationship with Chloe Beale.  
  
Her entire relationship with Chloe Beale and the way they’ve always bordered that line between friendship and something more.

It keeps her up at night sometimes, but never too long because she twists and she’s breathing in Chloe’s scent from the errant strands of messy red hair that have crept over to Beca’s side of the bed. She drifts into a restless slumber more often than not.  
  
So Beca sits on that knowledge for months, until it culminates in a break-up with Jesse, though they had hardly been together by the end of the relationship. She’d probably assess that they had broken up emotionally and mentally by the time he moved away to California while she had still been at Barden.  
  
But something always held her back from pursuing Chloe in any way.  
  
More often than not, Chloe would look at her in a certain way and—Beca never let herself entertain those thoughts for longer than a few seconds. She had always known, to an extent. At least, maybe she did, but it had always been easier to ignore it.  
  
Even if Chloe could have actually wanted something more from her, Beca had Jesse. Beca had Jesse and that was that, feelings be damned.

 

* * *

 

But yet-

That was then.

She had been with Jesse.  
  
And then Chloe had Chicago.  
  
She doesn't know exactly what she is now – or what they are, exactly, her and Chloe.  
  
She can't stop thinking about Chloe being something more with anybody else in the world and the knowledge that Chloe could fall in love with somebody else was nauseating, heartbreaking, and freeing all at once.

 

* * *

 

For Chloe, it honestly happens in stages.

Being in love with Beca is difficult to say the least.

Beca is sometimes prickly and sometimes a little wry on the humor side, but she is never mean and always kind.

Beca is confusing, more often than not. It’s a little frustrating to Chloe because Beca’s hand sometimes lingers on her arm before she’s tugging it away as if Chloe had personally burned her palm.

Or sometimes, it’s frustrating when their eyes meet in a shared tenderness and Beca averts her gaze as quickly as she can.

Chloe grows to take these moments in stride, content with just having Beca in her life. Being in love with Beca kind of becomes second nature.

As frustrating as it is, being in love with Beca is so, so fulfilling. Chloe gets to see her favourite person grow and blossom and she gets to feel all the love well up inside her in seemingly infinite amounts.

Chloe tries not to think about it too much.  
  
Beca’s just a friend—her best friend—and she doesn’t want that to change. She means it, even if it kills her every time she gets to hear another story about Jesse and Beca’s budding relationship; even if it kills her every time Beca smiles or laughs or sings.  
  
Her life is hard enough as it is, with the Bellas and taking classes again just so she can justify staying at Barden (read: staying with Beca). Chloe really doesn’t need the pain of heartbreak added to that mix.

Of course, the more often she actively she tries not to think about it - being in love with Beca - the more she finds her heart beating in her throat every time Beca smiles at her.

She thinks about her desire to touch Beca and hug her whenever she can. She thinks about wanting Beca beside her the other night. She thinks about wanting to come home to her.

These emotions are not foreign, but they are old and a little dusty. Chloe thinks about brushing them off and revisiting them, but Beca is content with her own life – the life she chooses to share with Chloe only as a friend and never as anything more.

However, the thought passes through her like lightning, illuminating the darkest spots she can possibly find; it rocks deep within Chloe with promise, though it’s rife with uncertainty.

It makes her heart swell.

She wants Beca’s voice in her ear and Beca’s blue eyes on her. She wants to protect her (and be protected by her); she wants to touch Beca; she wants to be with her.

She wants to make Beca happy.

She _wants_ Beca Mitchell.

She's in love with Beca and there’s nothing she can do about it.

 

* * *

 

Since then, Chloe has learned how to deal with it, and sometimes she feels like that’s enough. She learns one day that it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to put a temporary lid on her love for Beca, lest it overflows.

Dealing with being in love with Beca comes in stages as well, considering she never expects Beca to reciprocate. Chloe has always felt that in her own life, she has played second fiddle to countless people - Aubrey, her parents, and of course, Beca.

(Why would Beca be any different? She picked Jesse, didn’t she?)

She’s far enough that she even meets somebody new - somebody new and shiny like Chicago Walp who is nothing like Beca in nearly every possible way.

It only makes sense that she’s attracted to him regardless. While her feelings for Beca remained on the backburner, hopefully enough for her to forget about them entirely, they had lingered, a little annoyingly if Chloe is being honest.

But Chloe is never honest - not when it comes to matters of the heart. That much she knows about herself.

It’s partly the reason why things with Chicago work; things work out because Chicago is a safety net of sorts.

“I’m happy for you,” is all Beca says to her when Chloe mentions that she’s going to work on a relationship with Chicago. Long distance, but it’ll work, Chloe reassures, though she’s not sure who she’s reassuring at that point. Beca smiles at her tightly through the screen and it’s one of the last times they FaceTime during the entirety of Chloe’s relationship with Chicago Walp.

Chloe tries to take it in stride, the way Beca seemingly phases in and out of her life as she pleases. She follows the way Beca’s career seems to grow and swell, proud as ever of her best friend.

She rambles excitedly about Beca to Aubrey, to Chicago, to Amy, and to some new school friends. She carries Beca with her no matter what, wondering if Beca does the same in any way, especially with the new life she’s forging for herself in Los Angeles, across the country.

Chloe learns to love the chill of New York and she takes hikes, enjoying the foliage and changing fall leaves. It reminds her a little of Portland, some days, and she makes sure to call her parents for an extra long phone call.

Amidst this all - adjusting to veterinary school and the million and one deadlines, making new friends, trying to keep up a texting conversation with Beca, and learning how to live on her own - Chloe somehow makes things with Chicago work. He visits every once in a while and she makes sure to call him when she can, even opting to take his calls whenever he’s available.

When he finally finds time away from his duties and manages a short weekend trip to Ithaca, Chloe wants to say that she doesn’t even think about it, that it’s instinctive that they fall straight into each other’s arms and into Chloe’s bed.  
It is wholly unfortunate that she feels next to nothing while Chicago gasps into her ear and she’s dragging her fingers down his back. But he’s there and she thinks this is love, at least, it’s passable and good enough for the moment.

It’s fun, she thinks and it feels nice to be needed and wanted on multiple levels.

Later, he whispers that he loves her - _that maybe he could fall in love with her_ \- and that he thinks _she’s home_ and _everything beautiful_ and _wonderful_. She has longed for this for so long.

It’s a stark reminder that she was always waiting for somebody who never spared her a second glance.

(It’s a stark reminder of Beca’s heavy gaze sometimes in the darkness of their tiny Brooklyn apartment, and the way Beca seemed to grapple with something deep inside her.)

It makes Chloe shudder, so she reaches for Chicago once more - just once more - to pull him back into her.

Ultimately, when things stop working, it’s not even a huge surprise to Chloe. It’s just shocking and hurtful above all that he thought it would be best to cheat on her first then end their relationship. That much makes Chloe recoil in shock and hurt while the weight of everything settles on her chest and she realizes how much she let herself get sucked into this relationship in the first place.

She’s not really sure what to do, so she calls Aubrey, then she calls Beca.

She doesn’t even expect Beca to pick up, but she does - Oh God, she does because she’s Beca Mitchell and Chloe knew, deep down, that she would.

(She’s still in love with Beca, just the _tiniest_ bit, Maybe.)

 

* * *

 

It comes to be, when Chloe seeks solitude at Aubrey’s retreat, that Beca is there because Beca is her best friend.

Beca is watching her sadly in the flickering firelight. Chloe tries to eat marshmallows to appease Aubrey and Beca who both look like they’re afraid she’s going to start crying again.

Chloe thinks that she’s out of tears. She feels calm and peaceful knowing that Beca is near - that Beca is there for her.

Though, the last unbidden thought slinks through her mind and spills from her lips before she can stop herself. “I just want to know that I’m enough,” Chloe whispers. It’s low and quiet and it appears that only Beca hears her.

Beca stills, her body stiffening all at once.

Chloe flushes in the ensuing silence.

“ _Chloe._ You are,” Beca says with all the sincerity she can muster. “I wish I could just show you all the ways you’re everything and more.”

 

* * *

 

Chloe reflects on that, months later.

Since the summer, her and Beca had been talking incessantly. She searches for hidden meaning in every one of Beca's messages, her Snapchats, her Instagram DMs, but she can't settle on something concrete. She pays attention to the tabloids, wondering if Beca is dating somebody and not telling her, but it feels ridiculous, keeping tabs on her best friend like that.

The obsession tapers off by September and Chloe feels mildly functional again. She begins creating lists about why dating Beca would be a terrible idea, though the pros often outweigh the cons by a large margin: it is never a competition of pros and cons when it comes to Beca for Chloe. She will always choose Beca, hands down. 

It’s mid-October and Beca is sitting in her tiny bedroom in New York, getting ready to go out with Chloe and her friends for some homecoming events.

Beca complained about it for all of two seconds before Chloe pouted and she caved immediately.

“It’ll be fun, Bec, I promise.”

“I won’t know anybody,” Beca grumbles.

“I know, but you’ll have me! Just...stay with me.” There’s a quiet hint of something more in Chloe’s tone, so Beca sighs and says nothing more against the topic.

“Fine,” she says softly. “What should I wear?”

“I think you’d look cute in one of my dresses,” Chloe says contemplatively. “But I like what you’re wearing now,” she continues, looking at Beca’s sleeveless top and black jeans.

“I mean, dude, If you wanted some arm candy you could have just said so,” Beca teases.

While Beca often feels that words evade her, there are times when they just escape her of their own volition.

Chloe says nothing in response to that for a moment, before she cracks a smile, alleviating the lump that had momentarily risen in Beca’s throat.

“Sorry, I, uh-”

“Do you promise to dance with me at least once?” Chloe interrupts.

Beca flinches. “Dance?”

“For old time’s sake,” Chloe pleads. “It’ll be fun! Also, I know you know how to dance.”

Beca clears her throat. “It’s not that. It’s just - I feel that if I’m going to be drinking, dancing won’t be the best activity.”

“Oh Beca.”

Beca smiles, thinking Chloe is going to elaborate, but she doesn't.

"Chloe?" she questions warily. 

 

* * *

 

“Hey Chloe!” Beca vaguely recognizes her as a girl who is often in photos with Chloe. “You brought a friend,” she says, eyes brightening with either mirth or delight. Beca isn’t certain. She glances at Chloe to assess her reaction, noting the blush rising on Chloe’s cheeks.

“Steph, this is Beca. Beca, this is Steph. Now you’ve met!” Chloe seems to steel herself. “Where’s the alcohol?”

"Okay," Steph says, rolling her eyes. She points at the make-shift bar. “Just take whatever you want.”

“Solid,” Beca says. She reaches for Chloe’s hand, naturally intertwining their fingers.

Chloe can feel Steph’s gaze drop to their joined hands.

Beca leads Chloe away. Chloe stiffens when she hears the giggling that follows them and the teasing whispers that imply that her and Beca are an item – that her and Beca are more than just friends. She is too afraid to look directly at Beca for fear of seeing an adverse reaction, but Beca only seems to tighten her hand around Chloe’s and pulls them more steadily towards the bar.

“I need a drink,” Beca mutters. She grins a little at Chloe, seemingly taking in her worried expression. “Think this will get back to the press?”

While speaking, Beca's lips graze her ear. Chloe startles, not sure when Beca even moved closer. The shiver that runs up Chloe’s spine is different and rests solely on the fact that Beca’s breath is hot and so, so close.

Chloe blinks, shaking herself out of her daze. “No, I…they’re cool,” she murmurs.

She’s sure of that, however. She knows that this group of friends would never betray her trust and she respects them even more, especially she feels her own friendship contribution has been lacking.

Beca smiles, all teeth and playfulness. “I know. I was just kidding.”

 

* * *

 

"What if I don’t even make a good vet,” Chloe wonders. She leans heavily on the counter. “What was the point of everything, honestly.”

It’s perhaps not the best place to be airing her insecurities, but she has had at least two and a half mixed drinks and half of Beca’s beer. Beca has been attentive and caring (though perhaps equally tipsy) the entire evening. Chloe is confused, uncertain, and afraid of every single feeling rushing through her.

“Chlo,” Beca sighs.

“Sorry, I’m just nervous about my upcoming test, I guess.” Chloe wonders if Beca can see through her like she always has - the fact that Chloe’s fears rest on so much more than just a test. She just wants to be somebody, be worthwhile, be special - sometimes it’s so hard not having the security of the Bellas around and she honestly wonders what people see in her.

Shaking her head, she breaks free from the train of thought and refocuses on Beca who is staring at her contemplatively.

“Don’t be,” Beca says after a moment. “You’re...you’re the most driven person I know. I’m so inspired by you every day.”

Internally, Beca winces. She always lets her emotions slip out - sometimes at inopportune moments. Like now, when they’re both a little too drunk and too vulnerable.

"You really mean that?" Chloe asks. She leans towards Beca, almost instinctively. She’s so drawn to Beca by forces outside of her control.

"I’ve...always known that to be true," Beca says quietly. “You make me want to be better. You make me...” Beca trails off, suddenly entranced by the way Chloe’s tongue came out to quickly moisten her lips.

Stunned by the physical reaction, Chloe refuses to believe that Beca glanced at her lips with blatant, open desire. It has to be imagination, she’s sure of it.

Even with this refusal to believe, she leans in a little more into Beca’s space, noting that Beca moves forward as well.

It’s poetic - meeting in the middle, Chloe thinks. No more waiting. No more-

“Chloe! Come do shots with us!”

Chloe resists the urge to sigh, but Beca seems to have no such qualms. She heaves a breath and Chloe swears she hears a whispered “fuck” from Beca who quickly ducks her head to look at her shoes.

“You’re doing shots too,” Chloe points out, once the haze dissipates a little.

Beca agrees. She’ll always agree.

One of Chloe’s friends has a tray of assorted shots. Beca’s not sure they’re all the same drink. She takes a chance and takes a harmless-looking shot.

Sniffing, she notes that it’s likely vodka. God.

Chloe nudges Beca with her hip gently, holding out her glass. “Cheers, Bec.”

Like so many times before, Beca sighs and clinks her glass with Chloe. “Right back at you, Chlo.”

 

* * *

 

“Please do not throw up on me tonight,” Beca grumbles. Taking her third shot with Chloe, she winces once it goes down, wondering why she agreed to this at all.

(Because you know how difficult it’s been for Chloe to make friends, the voice inside her mind chides.)

"I'll do my best," Chloe says, mock solemnly. Beca winces, eliciting a laugh from Chloe. "Now, you promised me a dance right?"

Beca smiles at that and takes the offered hand. Chloe leads them to the edge of the makeshift dance floor.

It’s then that Chloe realizes that every dance she has ever danced with Beca had been choreographed and in the context of musical performances.

Glancing around, she notes the sheer volume of couples dancing. All variations of slow grinds or swaying with intimacy that she’s not sure her and Beca are allowed to engage in. It makes her heart race and a very specific warmth spread from her chest to her stomach and pooling ultimately between her legs. She tightens her grip on Beca’s hand.

“Come on,” Beca rasps, voice a little weak from the thought of being able to be that close to Chloe. She can’t imagine how her body might betray her the moment Chloe’s body enters her orbit. “You love this song,” she points out. She tugs a little, leading Chloe out on to the dance floor, gently moving past couples and individuals

And despite never having choreographed this particular dance before, it is so natural and instinctive, the way Chloe’s arms trap across Beca’s shoulders while Beca’s hands move to her waist. The air kind of leaves Chloe’s chest all at once the moment their bodies bump into each other, but Beca is peering at her through her lashes, eyes as dark as ever, maybe a little wide and hopeful, but it feels like projecting if Chloe’s being honest. She’s sure her own eyes are blown and tinged with evidence of her own desire for Beca.

And suddenly, as the beat shifts, Beca’s legs settle against her own, as if daring to push past that boundary of being friends. Chloe bites her lip, wondering if Beca will push for more (always wondering with Beca), and simply waits, allowing her hips to slowly move to the song. It’s safe, but teetering on the edge of something more. Beca’s eyes flick down to look at the tiny space left between their bodies, and slowly Beca’s own hips begin to move.

Chloe might be losing her mind, in all honesty.

It startles her when Beca starts to gently - so gently, almost subtly - rock her hips. She heaves a deep inhale and wonders what exactly she’s seeing on Beca’s face.

It’s all still somewhat respectable - Chloe thinks that she can see much more scandalous activities happening around them, but the way Chloe’s heart is threatening to burst out of her ensures that this is anything but an innocent dance between two friends.

She cannot fathom that her and Beca are still friends - not when Beca makes her feel like this. For all her solitude and penchant for quietness over loudness, Beca exudes all kinds of warmth and sexuality, especially now. Her face is so close to Chloe’s and her hand is raking up into Chloe’s hair at a tantalizing slow pace.

It’s so much at once - every heavy emotion seems to crash into Chloe.

She forces herself to look into Beca’s eyes. “Do I...make you happy? Like this?” She’s not even sure Beca hears her over the sound of the music, but Beca’s eyes flash the moment the words leave her lips.

"Yes," Beca responds instantly. She quickly tucks her head into Chloe’s shoulder and neck so that Chloe can feel Beca’s warm breath against her skin. She shivers, both at the sureness of Beca’s tone and the sensation of her breath. "Like you wouldn't believe, Chlo,” she says quietly. So quiet that Chloe thinks she imagines it.

She doesn’t imagine the way Beca’s hand comes to rest dangerously low on her back, a touch boldly if Chloe has any say in the matter.

She realizes belatedly that her arms are loose around Beca’s shoulders, so she stiffens an arm, hooking it so that Beca is more firmly pressed against her and she nearly gasps at the sensation of their bodies pressed hip to hip.

(Chicago never made her feel like this, not once.)

Beca stifles a quiet groan at the feeling of Chloe’s body against hers. Somehow maintaining a steady rhythm (she thanks hours of Bellas rehearsals and Chloe’s perfectionism), Beca turns Chloe around as best as she can without startling her. Managing a graceful half spin, Chloe still turns her head in confusion, but the confusion quickly disappears when Beca wraps an arm back around Chloe’s waist. She presses close, moving to rest her chin on Chloe’s shoulder while the rest of her body acclimatizes to this new sensation.

“Beca,” Chloe chokes out. A hand comes up to dig into Beca’s forearm, which Beca takes as a form of protest. Blushing furiously, she makes to step away, wondering if she finally overstepped her boundaries. Instead, however, Chloe’s other hand shoots behind her to find Beca’s empty hand and moves it to rest on her upper thigh.

Beca is certain that she’s never going to recover from this because the moment her hand makes contact with Chloe’s thigh, she exhales noisily right into Chloe’s ear.

Chloe doesn't even try to fight off the throb of arousal that rushes through her when it finally registers that she’s grinding with Beca Mitchell.

No, she embraces it. She just lets her instinct take over; it feels like a dance her and Beca have done so many times before.

She just lets her instinct take over; it feels like a dance her and Beca have done so many times before.

When the song comes to an end, they are both breathing heavily. Even as the song transitions into another song seamlessly and people around them cheer and laugh, Chloe keeps her eyes closed, relishing in the feeling of Beca’s fingers clenching and unclenching into her clothes. She wonders what Beca would do if pushed her hand under her shirt. Would she let her hand continue wandering or would it stay respectfully?

Swallowing, Chloe steps away from Beca so she can face her.

“Can we...can we go home?”

Beca swallows. “Whatever you want.”

 

* * *

 

Chloe wanted to talk, but fatigue seeps through her the moment she opens the door to her apartment.

Beca takes notice at once and immediately goes to get water and a small box of wet wipes so they can get their make-up off.

The first thing Chloe says when Beca sits her down on her bed is quiet, broken “I don’t deserve you.” Whether she means that as a friend or otherwise is up for debate, but the sentiment itself is what strikes a chord with Beca.

Beca’s gaze is open and honest. She looks at Chloe with sincerity and her hands move slowly up to cup Chloe’s neck, so their gazes are locked.

Chloe shivers.

"You’re amazing, Chloe. There are so many wonderful things about you. You’re one of the kindest and smartest people I know. You care so much about everything, which…” Beca trails off, biting her lip hesitantly. “I know that scares people away sometimes, but it has never scared me away. You can't help yourself from caring. Do you know how lucky I am to have you in my life?”

Chloe takes heavy breaths in an attempt to regain control of herself. She hears Beca’s words and she processes them. She loves Beca so much for all her attempts to make her believe in herself.

“Beca,” she says slowly. Quietly.

For the first time in a long while (it feels long enough), she allows herself to really look at Beca.  
And when she does, she reels back at what she sees.

She can’t say anything more at the moment because the words, they stick in her throat. A lump forms painfully instead and she tries to blink back the sudden tears.

“I see how wonderful you are,” Beca continues, much quieter than before. It makes Chloe’s heart thud in her chest because Beca leans in slowly. “I see how beautiful you are, inside and out.”

Beca and romance make a deadly combination, but Chloe is entranced. She lets the residual hurt and insecurity fade into the background just for a moment as she leans forward, a little breathless and a little curious.

Ultimately, it is Beca who kisses her first – it is Beca who initiates their first kiss in the quiet of Chloe’s bedroom in the middle of Upstate New York. Ultimately, it surprises them both a little bit when Beca leans forward and places the gentlest of kisses against Chloe’s lips. Chloe inhales shakily, breath hitching in surprise when she feels Beca’s lips against her own. Years of repressed feelings and neglected emotions surface all at once and her body tenses under the weight of the heartache.

But Beca’s lips are warm and soft and her hands are gentle against Chloe’s neck and cheek.

Beca wars with whether she should close her eyes or not. She’s alert and uncertain in every move she makes from the moment she cups Chloe’s cheeks. She waits to hear a sound of protest from Chloe’s mouth because she knows she’ll stop immediately – she knows she’ll back away and be whatever Chloe needs her to be in that moment.

At the same time, as Chloe’s face moves closer to hers, Beca knows that she can’t go back – not like this. She can’t forget about being in love with Chloe when she knows what it’d be like to kiss her and hold her and love her.

So she kisses Chloe, just once.

Just once, because she doesn’t know if she’ll get a chance ever again.

Chloe’s lips part after a few seconds and Beca tilts further into the kiss and further out of her own orbit. She doesn’t dare move her hands for fear of losing her own grip on reality. Chloe’s hand comes up to hold her wrist lightly, though not to push her away. She tugs a little as if to hold Beca steady and close.

Their kiss – this first kiss – doesn’t go further than soft, slow movements against each other’s lips. It goes on longer than Beca intends, but she can’t find it in her to stop. It goes beyond an appropriate length of time, though she’s sure that any pretense of trying to just comfort Chloe as a friend has flown out the window.

When Chloe makes no further actions beyond wrapping her fingers around Beca’s wrist, Beca takes that as her cue to move away, though not before nudging her lips against Chloe’s just once more as she parts.

When she opens her eyes, she sees Chloe’s eyes first, bright with new emotion. Chloe’s fingers slip slowly from her wrists and Beca drops her own hands from Chloe’s face.

They stare at each other for a moment, just breathing deeply and slowly. Beca isn’t sure what the protocol is after kissing her best friend. She hasn’t really thought beyond that, truthfully because she never anticipated that this would happen now.

Chloe’s eyes track across Beca’s face as she tries to think of something – anything – to say. She wants to kiss Beca again (and again and again), but her fists clench slowly in her own lap in order to better restrain herself. As her eyes flick across Beca’s face, she takes stock of everything she can see, from Beca’s slightly furrowed brow, the line of her jaw, the dark blue of her eyes, and the very slow way she bites her own lip. It sends heat flooding straight through Chloe’s body and she only clenches her fist harder.

"You kissed me," Chloe murmurs, after a long moment.

"You kissed me back," is all Beca can think to say in return. It tumbles out of her mouth so quickly that Beca barely has a chance to think about stopping herself. A thousand more emotions threaten to fall out of her mouth, but she holds them back for fear of scaring Chloe away.

She stands, wringing her hands nervously. The dreaded conversation bubbles up inside of her. She turns to face Chloe who is now standing as well, looking as uncertain as Beca feels.

Faintly, Chloe thinks that she has wanted to kiss Beca for so long that it only felt natural to kiss her back. It had been so ingrained in her, this idea that if Beca were to ever kiss her, she’d kiss her back in a heartbeat.

“Yeah,” is all she says, though her throat runs a little dry as she does so because Beca’s eyes flick down to her lips unmistakably.

Chloe marvels at how much restraint Beca is displaying. It’s difficult for Chloe to not just leap at Beca and kiss her like she really wants to because this delicate tiptoeing feels so important and so poignant to their relationship.

Chloe takes another step forward. “Kiss me again,” she breathes, reaching for Beca’s hand. “Please, Bec.”

Beca’s eyes are wide and hopeful, like this is everything she’s ever wanted. Chloe feels like they’re finally on the same footing - finally ready to move forward together. Her mind plays a reel of footage - a loop of every interaction they’ve shared up until now: all the missed opportunities and lost years and furtive glances have all come to a head in this moment. She only hopes Beca meets her in the middle because Chloe is so, so ready to start over - to pursue whatever this is.

“Chloe,” Beca says slowly. “Maybe we should…” Her heart screams out at her own hesitance, but Beca is careful to tread lightly. She can’t imagine losing Chloe, not like this. Not because she let a drunken desire manifest in a physical reaction.

“We can talk tomorrow, I promise,” Chloe says, trying not to sound too desperate. She wants to be close to Beca, now more than ever. “ _Please._ I…” she trails off, blinking back tears as they threaten to accompany the emotion she feels suddenly.

_I want you._

_I need you._

_I love you._

The last thought makes Chloe choke back a sudden sob because she does. She loves Beca Mitchell with everything in her.

Whatever Beca sees then - whether she recognizes emotional turmoil for what it is or not - is enough to make her clamp her mouth shut and nod. She nods slowly as if afraid of startling Chloe. She offers her hands to Chloe and when Chloe takes them, she’s already closing her eyes and awaiting Chloe’s kiss because Chloe has already begun to lean in.

This kiss is different.

This kiss makes Beca’s entire body stop working.

So, she runs on auto-pilot because the shock is so great that all she can do is curl a hand around the back of Chloe’s neck and keep her there for a moment.

She knows that she should stop this, but selfishly, she thinks that maybe Chloe wants this as well, though the reality is that this is one chance at Chloe Beale. The very thought spurs her into action and she holds Chloe’s waist as firmly as she dares, pulling her closer to her body. Chloe takes a moment to breathe, while Beca tries to count to five. She’s sure Chloe will tell her it’s a mistake or that they should stop. In fact, she makes to pull away, but Chloe’s hand comes up to hold her wrist and they’re kissing again, messier than before, but still equally passionate.

Chloe moans quietly.

The sound sends a rush through Beca like no other. Beca barely has time to blink before Chloe is pulling her down, down, down – until Chloe sits the edge of the mattress and Beca has to lean down to keep their lips fused together.

Beca is a master of sound manipulation at this point - she likes to think that she knows how to make music bend to her will, but this - this privilege of hearing a sound like that leave Chloe’s mouth and echo right back into her own body - this is something that she is willing to work at over and over again until she perfects it.

The thought itself is so visceral and near primal that Beca tightens her hands into Chloe’s shoulders, holding her closer. She loses any sense of control for just a moment, just for a moment before she comes back into her own body.

Chloe shifts against her, wrapping her arms around Beca and trying to pull her closer, and it sparks a single moment of rationality in Beca. She breaks the kiss and pulls back, stomach flipping at the sight of Chloe, flushed and tousled, staring up at her. "We should stop," she whispers thickly, even though she really doesn't want to. She respects and loves Chloe too much that the thought of Chloe regretting this in the morning makes her nauseous - a nausea that has nothing to do with alcohol. Indulging a little, Beca thinks, however, that she wants so desperately to pull Chloe further into her body and have her lips against hers just once more.

Chloe furrows her brows in confusion as she seems to genuinely process their situation. Her lips twist, the action only making Beca want to kiss her even more.

“Bec,” is all Chloe says before she’s making the decision for both of them and tugging her back into her space. Beca catches herself on the mattress just in time, their bodies slotting perfectly against each other. Chloe leans back so that they're both somewhat lying on the bed uncomfortably. “Please,” she whispers against Beca’s mouth, the gentle brush of her lips sending absolute sparks up Beca’s back and through her body. Amidst this, they've somehow managed to shift their way close to the center of the bed. Beca feels Chloe's leg curl around hers, keeping her even more firmly melded against her.

Beca pauses for a moment.

She lets herself breathe and take in the moment. In doing so, her nose brushes delicately against Chloe’s and the gentle nuzzle Chloe returns to her makes her tremble more than their first kiss itself.

Now, everything feels wholly intimate and maybe a little stolen, considering they never intended for this to happen; as with most things in Beca’s life – they just did and she has learned not to question them.

But in this instance, she questions everything – how could she not? She loves Chloe Beale with everything in her and it feels like - it feels like she's finally not drowning for once. For the first time in the past year, Beca feels like she has finally broke the surface and she greedily gasps for air, tugging on Chloe's lower lip with her teeth. Chloe responds in kind by sliding a hand boldly down the back of Beca's jeans, eliciting a broken gasp. (Chloe is so happy Beca opted to wear these jeans.)

Beca thinks that her own dreams have done her a disservice because kissing Chloe Beale is absolutely nothing like she ever imagined.  
  
Chloe’s lips are soft and pliant and immediately receptive to Beca’s mouth.

Kissing Chloe is many things all at once. Beca thinks it would entirely too limiting to pick one single thing to commit to memory, but one particular thought stands out even in her alcohol-addled brain: she knows that she will never forget the moment – never in a million years.

Even if Chloe decided that she no longer wanted to kiss her ever again, for the rest of her life, Beca wouldn’t mind dying knowing that for a moment at least, Chloe wanted to kiss her as much as she did.

In a brief reprieve, Beca pushes herself back, but it’s turns out to be a terrible decision after all; all she sees is Chloe beneath her, eyes wide and cheeks flushed again. This time, her hair is sprawled messily amongst the sheets and pillows.

Beca knows immediately where this is going - where it could lead. “Chlo,” Beca chokes out. "Chloe, I-"

Her hesitance dies in her throat because Chloe’s fingers thread into her hair and they’re both collapsing into each other once again. Beca’s hands wind under and behind Chloe’s body, fingers gripping and pulling at the fabric of Chloe’s shirt. She only manages to hold on to some fabric when Chloe moves so quickly and surely that Beca loses her breath all at once again. She’s on her back now, looking up at Chloe Beale who looks a little bit predatory.

Beca thinks that she has probably made worse decisions in her life – she hopes, at least.

She hopes, because she can barely control the whispered plea that escapes her, unbidden, “ _Fuck me,_ ” she whimpers.

(She can’t ask Chloe to make love to her like she so desperately wants - she doesn’t want to think about the possible fallout, not when they’re sharing in vulnerability and potential loss. She just can’t.)

Chloe’s eyes darken and glisten all at once and she leans back down, capturing Beca’s mouth once more.

 

* * *

 

Beca can recall lying in bed beside Chloe in Brooklyn, wondering what Chloe would do if she just leaned over and kissed her. Would she startle and push Beca away? Or sink right into it?

Would she ask for more?

Beca clenches her fist because every thought feels like an invasion of her best friend’s privacy somehow, like she has no right to be thinking these things at all.

She chalks it up to loneliness and missing the feeling of having a significant other - it’s all she can do because Chloe simply snores once and rolls her body into Beca’s a little.

They’re just friends - _that’s it_.

 

* * *

 

Beca gasps into Chloe’s neck, hips shifting and rolling against Chloe’s body. Between them - between the warm and wet and thickening air - Chloe’s fingers glide easily through her, entering Beca with sureness and steadiness.

It steals her breath, the first time Chloe’s fingers slide into her.

(Stolen, like the many shared moments over the years; all those years where Beca had been too blind to see Chloe’s love on display for her.)

“ _Fu-uck_ ,” she groans, tilting her head back into the pillow. Chloe takes the opportunity to kiss Beca messily, lips nipping and sucking at Beca’s lips, her chin, her cheek - wherever she can. She lands somewhere along Beca’s jaw, kissing at the skin delicately. The gentleness of that particular kiss is in stark contrast to the persistent rhythm of Chloe’s fingers inside her, like a driving force threatening to throw Beca off a cliff.

Beca can feel the barest hint of teeth begin to enter Chloe’s kisses as she scrapes along the line of Beca’s jaw. She doesn’t know exactly how Chloe is doing it, but she’s playing Beca’s body perfectly - though tuning might be a better word for it. She’s listening to Beca’s reactions attentively, exactly how Beca had imagined Chloe would be in bed.

(The fact that she has imagined this at all.)

“Is this all for me?” she asks softly. “All for me, Bec?”

The timbre of Chloe’s voice is what actually drives Beca over the edge. She has heard that voice so many times before in various forms, but now, it drives through her relentlessly - as relentless as Chloe’s fingers become.

Beca is no stranger to sex, but sex with Chloe is going to destroy her from the inside out, she can tell already.

“Baby,” Beca croaks, not even bothering to mask the desire in her voice as the nickname slips out, unbidden. “Yes.”

_Yes, I love you I love you I love you I love y-_

 

* * *

 

Chloe falls asleep first. Beca lays on her side, watching Chloe for a few moments before she drifts off into a restless sleep.

 

* * *

 

When she wakes, it’s so slowly that Beca thinks that time might have actually stopped for a moment.

She won’t complain, however, because for once she feels like she has no urge to get up or do anything. She’s content because Chloe’s arm is draped over her waist and their legs are tangled and Beca can just sense that something changed between them the previous night.

She trails her fingers over Chloe’s arm, a little disappointed when Chloe doesn’t move or react. When she reaches Chloe’s hand, extended loosely out on the mattress in front of her, she tugs it close to her own body one more, shivering a little as Chloe’s cool fingers come in contact with her stomach.

Her heart swells when Chloe makes a tired sound, but only cuddles closer. The way her body brushes against Beca only serves as a reminder that the previous night’s events weren’t a product of Beca’s subconscious wishes and desires. The fact that they were brought into stark reality makes Beca blink tiredly against the ensuing haze. She focuses on the way Chloe’s hand twitches against her skin and how Chloe’s breaths are even and soft.

She counts each breath, wondering how long more she has because this is only a momentary peace, she’s sure.

 

* * *

 

When Beca wakes up again, it is later in the day and she feels Chloe’s lips against her neck - the gentle, barely-there kisses.

Beca can sense Chloe’s pensive state of mind. Chloe’s kisses slow to a stop when she notes that Beca’s breathing has changed. The hand that had been resting on Beca’s hip twitches as if she wants to pull away. Beca resists the urge to grab Chloe’s hand - to keep it close.

The silence persists.

“Hi,” Beca murmurs, not daring to speak too loudly, lest she jostles Chloe out of her thoughts. She opens her eyes and tilts her head to face Chloe slowly, waiting.

“Hi,” Chloe replies, a little slowly and a little hesitant. Still, Beca notes with joy rising in her chest, there’s an element of affection in her eyes on which Beca anchors herself. Beca reaches for Chloe’s cheek - slowly, as always - and brushes her thumb over the arch of Chloe’s cheekbone. Chloe’s eyelids flutter, and when she opens her eyes again, it’s with renewed passion that makes Beca startle back because it’s not what she expected entirely, but it is very welcomed.

“Good morning,” Beca says slowly. She wonders when Chloe will bolt because this is too good to be true - too sudden, perhaps, or too soon. She leans forward slightly, pausing to see if Chloe will retreat. Her heart thrums happily when Chloe doesn’t move, acquiescing to Beca’s unspoken inquiry.

When she slides her lips against Chloe’s, she wonders if it might actually be possible to wake up to this regularly - to wake up to an armful of Chloe regularly.

“Beca,” Chloe murmurs, soft against her mouth. Her voice is tinged with a little wonder like she’s as amazed as Beca that they woke up together. Beca waits for more, but Chloe doesn’t pursue whatever thoughts slipped into her mind. There are no further words, just renewed vigor and passion in their kisses as Chloe covers Beca’s body with her own.

Beca thinks that no words really need to be said because she’ll take this. She’ll take the opportunity to have Chloe like this after years of wondering and wishing and waiting.

She’s not going to waste another moment.


End file.
